The Moneykind Archetypes
As women we're taught from a young age that money is at odds with our values as a kind person.
You know The Mean Rich Lady…
We know her from fairy tales and fables, movies and media. When we see a rich woman on screen or in print, she's also cruel, greedy, selfish and unlovable.
She's Kidnapping Dalmations. Tormenting young assistants. Convicted of white collar crimes. Mocked as "vapid." Called a "bad mother." Or doomed to life as a "spinster."
The first image that springs to mind for most of us is Cruella Devill from 101 Dalmatians. But it's not hard to think of others – the White Witch in Narnia, the Wicked Stepmother in Cinderella (and Snow White), the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland. Not just wealthy, not just mean, but also older, heartless, and lonely.
We're told these stories as children! I shared these stories with my own daughters, and I was so busy focusing on talking about not waiting for a man to rescue you and how the 'heroine' of the story was depicted; these mean rich women slipped straight past my radar.
But when I spoke to my then-16-year-old about this depiction of women, she understood immediately what I was talking about. She was easily able to give me examples of women who are demonised in popular culture:
“Oh yeah, with Taylor Swift, they say she's strategic like that’s an insult.”
Women are programmed to subconsciously believe making more money will threaten their belonging; resulting in them being isolated, lonely, criticised, and cruel.
Of course, men have some similar narratives: the Ebenezer Scrooge trope is one we're all familiar with.
So why are women so much more affected?
Because we’re programmed to be The Kind Poor Girl.
The Kind Poor Girl is the alternative we're offered; the sweet, lovable girl with a heart of gold and no interest in money. She's Snow White, she's Cinderella, she's the girl-next-door, she's the intern getting bossed around.
Essentially she's the pure counterpart to the cruel woman with wealth; and we can be one or the other. It's route A or route B and when the brain is presented with two choices it doesn't seek a third. And by default it chooses the way that is 'safer'.
And you might be wondering, why are we taught this?
Writer Angela Saini explains that patriarchy didn't begin in the family. It began around 5000 years ago, with those in power wanting to hoard wealth. They wanted an army to protect their assets, so they needed to grow the population - especially boys to work and fight, so women were encouraged to have more children.
Historian Gerda Lerner writes how at this time women slowly faded from the world of work and leadership, and were pushed to become chiefly occupied with motherhood and domestic labour. Forced to leave their family homes to live with their husbands, they were vulnerable to exploitation and abuse. Over time, marriage became a legal institution that treated women as property.
There was also a psychological aspect to this restructuring of society: those in power made it appear natural and normal to separate and categorise people based on gender. This became today’s gender stereotypes: women are natural caregivers, and men are violent fighters. Intentionally restricting everyone into gender roles, the system took advantage of women and many men. The goal was only ever to serve society’s elites.
Here's the thing:
Patriarchy operates on double-binds. A double-bind is the presentation of two options, both of which are uncomfortable. One is usually presented as ‘right’ or ‘worthy’ or ‘valid’ and it feels wrong in our core or restricts us or limits us in some way. The other option takes a thing we naturally desire (freedom, money, liberation) and codes it as ‘wrong’ or ‘unworthy’ or ‘meaningless’.
These double-binds are often gendered: If women are to be swayed against venturing outside their roles of unpaid or low paid caregiving, they are told the alternatives are: selfish, cruel, unkind. If men are to be swayed against violence and toxic masculinity, they are told the alternatives are: weak, effeminate, pathetic.
With money, men are encouraged to gather and hoard it with ruthlessness. Women are encouraged to focus on "kindness" instead. We've been programmed to be kind and nurturing and give care – at the expense of ourselves. And that has been weaponised against us – if we do anything else (focus on our own goals, priorities, purposes) we are conditioned that it is unkind.
So we are either unfulfilled and kind, or self-focused and selfish.
We can be the Mean Rich Lady… or we can be the Kind Poor Girl.
For the woman who wants to be kind, this creates massive internal conflict.
The brain can't see a way forward when every option results in being bad: Poor OR selfish. Kind OR wealthy. Overburdened OR unfairly judged.
And that makes it energetically difficult for her to:
Take time for herself
Feel enthusiastic about her ambitions
Charge what she needs to thrive
Make authentic choices in her personal life…
…Without feeling terrible
There's a reason so many women get by with less time, money and support than they need and deserve. For at least five thousand years women have functioned as society's secret unpaid support system. Designated "natural caregivers". In fact there's nothing natural about this arrangement!
And trying to avoid becoming The Mean Rich Lady is why even when kind women DO make good money, they aren't able to enjoy it, keep it, or use it for what matters to them. Instead, they immediately give it all away or overwork themselves to affirm their goodness and make sure no one is left behind.
They end up stressed, overextended and overworked, which only confirms the falsehood that women have to choose between wealth or connection, power or pleasure.
But we don't have to choose.
Instead, we can unravel the double-bind, and the first step is seeing it and making space for the alternative.
It's safe to focus on yourself. Asking for more does not mean you have to become The Mean Rich Lady. You don't have to give yourself away to be a good person.
You can be a woman who cares deeply about other people, who views money as a vehicle for kindness, and gives herself permission to have and hold money. Every moment of self-kindness unpicks a stitch in the blanket woven by thousands of years of conditioning.
Saini, A. (2023). The Patriarchs: In Search of the Origins of Male Domination. Boston: Beacon Press.
Lerner, G. (1986). The Creation of Patriarchy. New York: Oxford University Press.